Providence, RI - President Bush this week expressed confusion regarding the Russian invasion of the Georgian state.

“I was down in Georgia and I didn’t see no Russians,” he explained to an audience in a townhall meeting Monday. “I even called my buddy Boomer down in Savannah and he said he ‘ain’t seen any either’”. The President then scratched his head and asked, “And where’s this Tbilisi? Is that near Atlanta?”

The townhall meeting in Rhode Island was an attempt to bla, bla, bla, bla…

Tags: Loose Crap // Add Comment »

1. “God Damn it, I accidentally left that sample of Eboli in the cafeteria refrigerator again and someone ate it!”
2. “Hon, no I did NOT buy a new brand of toothpaste, that is my anti-itch vaginal cream.”
3. “You mean to say even though I did that thing you wished me to do with your Great Dane you STILL want to break up with me? BASTARD!”
4. “Why did I forget my Depends on a day I am wearing white slacks?”
5. “Shit, I finally work up the nerve to go on a killing rampage and I have no bullets!”
6. “No I was NOT visiting porno sites! All these windows just keep popping open when I did a search on Richard Nixon.
7. “Doctor, there is this blackish green secretion spewing forth from my penis, should I worry about this?”
8. “Jim, I do not believe you should be standing next to me with your pants around your ankles showing me your new designer g-string underwear.”
9. “Baby, just because I am asking you to get an abortion for the 5th time does not mean I do not love you!”
10. “I am so sorry Mr. Nuncio, I just could not get the money I owe you. Is there anyway that you could break my wife’s thumbs instead of mine to try and encourage me to get the money?”
11. “Don’t worry honey, we will not lose the house, I know someone that will pay top dollar to buy the children into slavery. The house mortgage will be paid!”
12. “Damn it, why do I always slice my wrists in the wrong direction! SIGH!!!”
13. “Does anyone know who left the package on my desk that seems to be ticking?”
14. “Of course I will make this week’s pagan meeting, have you known me to ever miss a human sacrifice?”
15. “That is outrageous! I had no idea it would cost that much money to have EMTs extricate my erection from that vacuum cleaner! If I had known it would have cost that much I would have used the Dirt Devil.”
16. “You will just have to wait till I get home. I have no idea where I left the keys to the handcuffs. Just make the best of it.”
17. “Dear, how can you possibly accuse me of slipping you some kind of drug? I am sure there is a perfectly good reason why your butt hurts today.”
18. “Why am I having such a hard time tying this hang man’s knot? No one ever showed me because no one loves me!”
19. “Hey Jason, did you see that latest video on the internet of that woman having sex with 2 donkey’s and a spider monkey?”
20. “Of course Reverend Smegly, I will be there at 7 PM promptly, wearing my diaper so that I may receive my weekly punishment and powdering for my sins.”
21. “Ok which one of you freaks has been licking my keyboard and telephone again?”
22. “Uh oh, there goes my colostomy bag again! The IT guy will NOT be pleased!”
23. “Why do you men always get SO upset when you discover you are dating a transvestite with a larger set of genitals then yours?”
24. “Well I have never tasted human flesh before but as long as I do not have to kill it, I am game!”
25. “Why does the choir I sing in insist on performing at 2 senior citizen nudist colonies each and every quarter? I am still taking meds given to me from a shrink from the last encounter with what one should never see that gravity affects!”

Tags: Psycho Killer - Ramblings of a Madman // 1 Comment »

It has always been an irritating point with me when I watch a movie and the continuity squad or person there of in charge does not do what they are paid to do. This can result in just damn funny moments or piss me off just because it is laziness.

Over the weekend I viewed the Mummy 3 or was it the Mummy 23,456? There were so many undead in the movie I forgot. I think there really was only one mummy and all the rest of the legions of undead were various kinds but of course all undead in this movie are referred to mummies. I especially liked the terracotta undead solders that would look lovely in any garden or home with a gorgeous green covering of a plant of your choice. I personally would use 4 of them as a unique surround sound speaker stand system. Technically when turned to terracotta and you walk around, are you really undead? I think the Chia head terracotta undead soldier would be a big Christmas item. We have a gazillion undead erupt from beneath the Great Wall of China to do battle but they are in pretty bad shape missing all kinds of body part. I personally think these undead were particularly frightening since they had desiccated and shriveled up buttocks and just looked creepy running around nude.

Of course as we view the movie we see the evil emperor (was there ever a good one?) turned to terracotta in great pain. Later, as his temple is desecrated and his body removed, he is standing in a carriage holding the reigns of terracotta horses. What evil did these horses commit to get them transformed also? I mean the emperor’s concubines were just buried with him to die in the dark of starvation and lack of water. Now these were women and men he did every freaky sexual act known to man with. What freaky thing did he do with these horses for them to deserve that fate? So I wondered how the emperor went from one dynamic pose of pain while turning to terracotta mind you, to a pose of a clay horse jockey? I thought maybe they placed him in a big vat of water and waited for him to soften up a bit and then reposed him. That would explain why his left and right arms were on the wrong sides of his body and he had a penis for a nose. What really pissed me off was that he was wearing a pair of Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars and I know damn well they did not make the pink colored ones in that time period. Well the pose made no sense so it irritated me and I reached around the child sitting next to me and tapped him on the opposite shoulder, when he looked in the opposite direction, I took his red vines. Well he had to learn sometime right? Movie watching can be HELL!

There was a scene with Yetis that was interesting. As the movie was being made there was a coalition of the IWABWTYF (I Want A Baby With The Yeti Foundation) protesting outside the CGI studio to make sure they got the big guys looking correctly on screen. The biggest complaint from the crowd was the Yeti had no genitals. This I could easily explain. You live in the Himalayas and it is COLD up there, so when the Yeti are young, they virtually freeze their cojones off hence no genitals on adults. Female Yetis do not lose their breasts since they are covered in luxurious white fur which we saw in the Dec. 2006 issue of Playboy magazine and the 2 accompanying Heffner in the Playboy House Party 43 DVD. The 3 Yeti that appear in the movie also apparently had at one time had back surgery performed on the lower lumbar region of their backs since they could only bend forward and walk painfully with their rear ends sticking out. It was either pain or this is what is known as a Yeti booty call.

My favorite part of the movie deals with the son and the father. There is a horrible discrepancy dealing with age. The son looks way too old to belong to the father. I expected Brendan Frazier to say at any moment “Son, what are you older then me?” I had heard they had asked Paul Newman to play the role of the son but he stipulated the contract had to give him the rights to product place his newest salad dressing “Moroccan Mummy”. Sure would have been a great tie in to the movie.

There is word on a forth installment of the Mummy with Rush Limbaugh or Doctor Phil playing the part of the Mummy. Now I believe Doctor Phil will make a truly frightening mummy. Hell he scares the Be-Jesus out of me already. There is a mummy capable of controlling all reality TV shows and Oprah Winfrey. Limbaugh could make an interesting mummy if the plot relies upon him smuggling Viagra into the country for the 3rd time. Genius!

Tags: Psycho Killer - Ramblings of a Madman // Add Comment »

As a child, I was scared shitless the majority of the time. Why do you ask? I happened to have an insane older sister that just happened to have experienced every occurrence of the supernatural ever encountered by man. At one time she claims to have even got into a Greco Roman wrestling match with the Chupacabra before it had even moved north into the U.S. from the south of the border. My brother had witnesses this so called encountered and confirmed the beast was a baby opossum with no teeth gumming a worm it had found.

Growing up, we were always assailed by horrendous stories of ghost traipsing through our house at all hours of the day and night. She even conveyed to me one morning that the previous night she had heard an otherworldly entity moving furniture around downstairs. This did not frighten me so much since as I came to discover the spirit had great interior fashion sense and the living room always looked great. Now, if I could only pull out the Ouija board and attempt to get the spirit to work in the kitchen, life would have been great.

Of course I could never understand why a ghost or ghosts haunted our house since no one had died there. The only reason for one moving to such a remote location was the property they were haunting at the time must have had the rent raised significantly or they were just lousy ghosts. I have heard the theory countless times that ghosts are the dead that do not know they are dead. If this were true would you not just walk in on ghosts performing everyday tasks? You open the bathroom door and there is a ghost on the crapper or you walk in the living room and one is sitting on the couch watching a baseball game with his hand down his ectoplasmic pants? My sister said once she walked in on a female spirit getting dressed and the spirit asked her “If strips made her look too tall?” See you will never escape it.

There was the “Death Knocks” incident that still resonates in my head and I will never forget. The phone call was received one day and my sister informs me she had heard the “Death Knocks”. I, in earnest, asked what the Hell those were. She said as a girl, upon visiting my grandmothers home, they had heard the death knocks and Grandmother had said someone was going to die, No SHIT! Sure someone, somewhere in the world was going to die, what a REVELATION! I think my sister misheard my grandmother. She had really said “Meth Rocks!” (My sister did not know she was an addict). In latter years she heard the death knocks again and I investigated and found it was the neighbor’s over sexed St. Bernard humping the statue of St Francis on the back doorstep. Well in the end my Grand mother was correct, 32 years after hearing the death knocks my grandfather passed away. Damn, that sent shivers up my spine!

The last incident that I discussed with my sister was that she had a 7 foot tall, reptilian demon. At first, I thought she had mistaken this 7 foot reptile for a demon and it was really the son of Godzilla. I asked my sister how she knew he was a demon. She gave me a “What else could it be?” look. Well it could have been a wayward furry. I could not believe she had not asked him any questions. She of course got pissed at me. I told her I would like to know how he got assigned to her. Where on the scale of demons does he rank. How does the hierarchy of Hell work and how is it really to be a denizen of Hell? But all he does is walk around, sit, brood, read Cosmopolitan magazine, watch reality shows with has been celebrities in them and says nothing. Being a demon surely must SUCK!

She also believes herself to be psychic but that could not be further from the truth. She spent immense amounts of money on tarot cards, at least she thought they were but some unscrupulous bastard had sold her a deck of “Old Maid” cards which were useless except when the small ones came around and playing the game kept them quiet. She tried to read my fortune once and proclaimed my name would be changed to Coco Shanell but she was SO wrong. I had it changed to Coco Krisp.

When I think of my sister I am reminded of the scene in Ghostbusters when Ernie Hudson is interviewing for the job and after being read a series of supernatural events and entities he is to believe in, he replies ‘If it has a paycheck, I will believe in anything.” Unfortunately my sister believes in everything with NO paycheck! My favorite story she related to me had to do with astral projecting and ended up in the body of a male pit bull which was licking his groin. Well for some that would be a God send.

Tags: Psycho Killer - Ramblings of a Madman // Add Comment »

We as human beings display an incredible proclivity for taking focal points which in and of themselves are wholly negative and romanticizing about them. For instance if I were sitting in front of a Starbucks and happened to view a canine licking his groin I personally would think “YUCK, germs, bacteria, not to mention urine or fecal matter.” Of course the romantic sitting the next chair would view the same contemptuous action and think “If ONLY I could do that! I would stay home all day and night licking myself and be happy 24/7 with no problems in life whatsoever and sign a huge porno movie contract to make the movie Lick Me or Leave Me with Jenny Bigguns Warchoski.” You get the general gist. One of those focal points are Pirates which generally gets misconstrued with Pilates which was developed by a transgendered pirate that happened to play on a female Roller Derby team out of Kansas City.

Why does the romanticizing of pirates continue and why are they more popular then ever? When we see them in movies or see people dressing as they believe pirates did, we view pirates in baggy shirts that would cost 214 dollars to buy online today dancing around like ponces having a merry old time and never mean anyone harm. If you compare these guys in that light to the Norseman then the Vikings were a down home, loving and caring group of men that shared their emotions openly with one another while trading self help books written by Leo Buscaglia and John Bradshaw. To think that one would romanticize about a human being whose primary objectives in life were to be a knave, rogue, thief, murderer and rapist is quite preposterous indeed yet many brain dead individuals do. I remember when my dad used to pull the electrical switch at the big house during executions and how I so wished to be like him! I do not know why I get worked up about people that praise and love pirates so much I feel the same way about serial killers, they are just misunderstood!

There is a misconception that pirates on a whole were a brave and hardy bunch of lovable lugs when the reality is completely the opposite. There is an expert on pirates teaching at Brown University named Professor Braindin Heini that explains why pirates were a pack of imbeciles, that even a troop of baboons could hustle money out of selling them their scat as hair restoration fertilizer. “You see pirates many times lost an eye. They did not have information to call on the telephone as we have it today to call when we lose something. So in essence pirates had no depth perception what so ever. Danger would stare them literally in the face and the pirate thought the danger was still some distance off and could get away. This is why they are all DEAD today!” Wow I did not even think of that angle! This would also explain why so many players that get signed by the Pittsburg Pirates cannot hit a ball to save their lives.

I will give credit where credit is due. Pirates were one of the first exclusive gangs you could belong to. Sure you had to have unkempt hair and a beard that held everything you had been eating for the last 2 years. How about always having an endless number of SLIVERS in your bare feet and hands from walking and working with unfinished wood constantly? Oh to sail the seven seas with nothing but MEN on a ship for long periods of time? No wonder those ugly manatees started looking good to them as mermaids, hell after 7 months at sea, a knothole, whale blubber and slight breeze would get one hot! How one can misconstrue a manatee for a chick is beyond me but I guess drinking your urine for prolonged periods of time will do that. I can imagine on a cold and stormy night with the waves swelling to 25 feet, what a pirate thought when he had to go to the bathroom over the ship’s side. Now that is adventure my friend! They did not call it the poop deck for nothing. It is as far as the timid and fearful made it. They also shared a secret language that we today attempt to emulate with the “ARRRRR” sound. It is a little known fact that many pirates had IQs which soared into the low double digits so they had to just think a very long time before answering a question. “Captain, can I have more ale?” ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ok”

Most pirates did not even want to be pirates, there was no minimum wage and forget about insurance. Sure you might get a doubloon for losing a leg or arm but then you were tossed overboard as shark chum. One of the most famous pirates of all time was William Teach, which you all know as Blackbeard. Well his beard was really red and there is a funny story connected to the name Backbeard that involves Walt Disney and a female chimpanzee with diphtheria but I will not bore you with that. Needless to say Teach was a professor of science at a famous university when his students discovered him in the classroom nude covered in bread pudding with a chisel and wooden mallet attempting to split the first ale atom. He was summarily ousted and could only find work as a pirate captain mainly because he lied on his resume stating he had previous pillaging experience.

Pirates had a lot of booty. Men love booty and this has carried over to the present age, although pirates never saw anything but man booty. Today we enjoy booty of all shapes and sizes and even big booty is a sought after commodity. The practice of the “Booty Call” started with pirates and is still used today though it does not involve the 22 pound cannon balls nor the greased pig.

I await patiently the day when we all look to the Nazis as the exciting, lovable, carefree lugs that history paints them to be! Time for me to paint crossbones on me undies and raise them to the winds! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ok.

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